October in America

Ahhh!  October!  Autumn!  My favorite time of year!  Brisk, dry air!  Lows in the sixties!  Highs in the eighties!  Sipping coffee on the patio!  Halloween decorations go up in Suburbia…football and MLB playoffs on the tube…noisy cicadas and blood-sucking mosquitos are packed and are going back to hell where they belong.  And political attack ads dominate every commercial break. 

Wait, what?

Yes, my favorite time of year is always marred by the worst thing television has ever shown to the American public (including Jerry Springer)…a bunch of assholes explaining how their opponents are even bigger assholes.  We older folks remember when political ads were only about a candidate promoting his or herself.  Now most ads are all about tearing down the other guy.  This guy did what?  He smoked heroine while driving a busload of preschoolers to a Russian strip club where homeless people are forced into mortal knife fights in the basement?  Well, there’s no way he’s getting my vote!

Okay, I exaggerate…just a little.  They’re not all negative.  They still run some positive ads…probably for folks like me that get tired of all the negative bullshit.  But don’t we get tired of the positive ones, too?  I wonder how much they’re spending on these round-the-clock campaigns?  I’m sure it’s a lot of money spent to employ very few people and build absolutely nothing.  Where does all that money come from? 

My guess is it mostly comes from corporations who have vested interest in the outcome of an election.  And those corporations donate to the candidate most likely to win based on the polls.  But they also sometimes donate to both sides of a race, so their bets are hedged, and they’ll always have someone in their pocket regardless of the outcome.  Then they have a way to influence laws to their advantage so they can make more money to give to more politicians…so they can work harder…so they can make more money…so they can buy more cocaine…. Wait, that’s not the same as politics…or maybe it is.

And sure, a big chunk of change is donated by private citizens…the one’s with plenty of disposable cash…rich assholes.  Imagine if they spent that money on something useful…start a new business, employ some people, give it to charities.  Throwing that money away on political influence is worse than buying something outrageously expensive and indulgent…at least those things were built by someone.  Politicians build nothing and usually do more harm than good (Pessimism Alert!).  Not that I would ever tell anyone how to spend their money…free country and all.  But I can call them assholes in my personal blog when they waste money on other assholes.

I’ve gone off the rails a bit…this is about political attack ads, not politicians.  But you understand why I dislike political attack ads, right?  They play on your fears, biases, and the worst part of human nature…hate.  Because if you’re a Republican, you should hate Democrats and vice versa.  So, you should vote against the one you hate.  This rather than voting for the candidate you like based on their stance on important issues.

It must be a requirement for these ads to state who is paying for it because they always do.  “This political ad paid for by Doushbag Asshat for Texas Governor.”  Lately though, it’s not a candidate paying for these ads, it’s some hashtag-named LLC, which makes me think the candidate paying for it doesn’t want his name attached.  “This political ad paid for by NotMyFault, LLC.”  But they’re not fooling anyone, right?  I keep imagining Scooby and the gang revealing Beto O’Rourke by pulling a ghoulish mask off his head.  Its kind of obvious. But is it really Beto?  I keep hearing most of his funding is from rich Hollywood liberals in California desperate to turn red states blue. There are some campaign reform laws that restrict how much money a candidate can take from where and who…maybe that’s why candidates use another business entity to do their dirty work.  Just a guess.

In any case, can I just get a list of the candidates who spend the least on these brain-washing propaganda machines?  Can we get these numbers printed on the ballots?  That would make my job so much easier…something to tell me who I hate the least without having to watch the garbage stuffed in commercial breaks for Survivor?

Come to think of it, maybe October is not my favorite time of year after all.  Maybe it’s November…you know, after the first Tuesday.

-Big Steve